The Drinker of Worlds

A Long Awaited Update

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 22:00:17 GMT

So I finally turned 18 on March 10th. I was at my friend's house and we were getting drunk out of our minds. Now, let's keep in mind that I had officially turned 18 years old as of 12:00 AM. That, and me and a friend of mine had gotten drunk, and just as a precaution, knowing that his sister was going to be there, I asked permission if I could hook up with her. Yes, she is fifteen years old, and technically, that is wrong...even by my standards. But here's the thing, he said yes. So, it was fine. So, everyone arrived, my friend got home from work and when he did we all started drinking. I had a beer, and the equivalent of fifty glasses of vodka, plus, another ten cups of the stuff. So, I ended up hooking up with my friend's sister, and she was fine with it. Fuck, she's a good kisser. And we were dry fucking and shit, and all the while, my friend, whose house we were using, tried hooking up with two of the three girls that were there. He even tried it while I was making out with the girl! How fucked! So, pretty much, the sister, and her friend both asked me to keep him away from her, and I did my best to do so. We also kept him away from this girl that one of my other good friend's hooked up. However, after I was done making out with this girl, I had to go and piss, so I did so. When I came out, there was shouting, and fighting, and all of a sudden, I see the girl crying. Turns out, she was pretending to be passed out so that my friend wouldn't try and hit on her. Totally understandable. What else turns out, is that she was crying. So, I was curious, and I step down the stairs, and my friend accuses me of betraying her trust, and insulting our friendship and honor and integrity.

Now, if anyone knows me, they know that THAT IS NOT THE SMARTEST THING IN THE WORLD TO DO. It might as well go down in the records as one of the stupidest things anyone on this planet could do. So I just looked at him, and my fists balled. And I had a bottle of Heineken in my hand, so we all know what was going through my mind: Finish the beer. Crack it over his fuckin' head. I flipped out. I was pissed off, so pissed off that, while my friend whose name shall be M, and my other close friend, whose name shall be T, tried to stop me from flipping out. I threw them both off of me, T ended up going halfway across the living room, and M landed square on his ass. I went and put my boots on, and threatened to leave, not caring if I got in trouble for being drunk. I didn't care. I wasn't going to stay where I wasn't wanted. Anyone could understand that. So, my friend T gets up, and starts walking with me outside, telling me to have a drink and calm down. So I took my half finished beer, walked outside to the deck, and sat there, smoking a cigarette, and drinking. Finally, my friend M comes out, and tries to comfort me, and I started fucking screaming curses that nearly sounded German. I was screaming things about how I was going to "Kill that peice of fucking jewish syphalysis carrying fuck. I'm going to rip his fuckin' kike balls off and beat him with them." And shit like that. I was so pissed off that I cracked the empty beer bottle in my hand and threw the peices everywhere. My friend M was scared shitless. Meanwhile, my friend T was talking to this kid, and telling him how it wasn't at all my fault what happened, that what me and his sister did was completely consentual, and it was true. We were consentual on both ends, and we were laughing and giggling. But the point is, he was trying to calm us both down, because I walked inside and cracked my neck, my knuckles and my knees. I was ready to fight.

My friend looked at me in utter shock, as if I wasn't stupid enough to attack him, knowing full well that he could black out. What he didn't realize was, I was already working with full adrenaline going, and my blackout would be much worse, and I would have killed him. T looked at the kid, and was trying to calm us down. Eventually, we shook hands after talking.

I thought that our friendship was over. Which would have been fine. But T saved the kid's life. He really did. If he hadn't intervened on my behalf and on the side of caution, not only would we have gotten arrested for giving liquor to minors, because we were in fact 18, and it is against the law if the person isn't 21, we would have also been charged with attempted murder, and drinking under the legal age limit. So yeah. Afterwards, about a week later almost, the Thursday following that is, me and the kid talked, and he appologized about calling me dishonorable, and insulting my integrity. His sister wasn't mad at me like he thought she was, and we were fine.

Not to mention I also made some cash, which is awesome, for my birthday that is. And that pretty much covers it aside from Seniormania, which, I ended up fucking my knee up really badly. And you know what? It was entirely worth it. It was that, or we would have lost really horribly. But maybe I'll explain that another time.

A Much Needed Return

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 06:15:19 GMT

This journal has been neglected for far too long. I have been gone for a while, at least, from this journal. And it is time to finally update, and let everyone know my thoughts, and my feelings.

First let us start off with my problem with HER. A while ago, more like, Christmas Break, in December, which was two months ago. While I was there, it was a time to get away from New Jersey, to get away from everything with my two best friends who are might as well have been born my brothers. The point is, while I was there, I thought about my problem with HER. I've come to realize that I was in love with what she used to be. Not who she is now. And that I was in love with a shell. And that was wrong of me. I put myself into a depression over her, and it was unneccesary, but I couldn't deny my feelings. You see, I've realized that she is shallow in the sense that she finds that I am not good looking enough for her. That's fine. That's her resolve. And while I was in upstate New York, I realized that I shouldn't waste my time on helping her either, because in the long run, she just does the opposite of what I suggest for her to do. I give her the answers, and she doesn't use them. That's fine. I'm not judging her. I'm simply stating the facts. She's my friend. We're still friends. Just not as close as we used to be. And where that should hurt a little bit. It really doesn't. This is why: We're both changed. Where I've changed to where I have to be strong enough to survive, from what I've seen, she's constantly miserable. Or at least, unhappy for a large majority of the time. And I really wish she wouldn't be. I wish she was strong enough to actually over come the obstacles that cause this. But I can't change that. I may be a strong person, but I don't have the ability to change and take away someone else's pain, despite my best efforts. The point is, I no longer feel that burning love for her. I still love her, but I won't be pursuing any form of relationship with her. And I don't plan on keeping the promise I made to her, where if we're both single when we're thirty, that we'll end up dating. I really just don't plan on keeping that. Because I don't plan on being around. I plan on moving along.

So, here's my current problem. My grandfather, who, I have a love-hate relationship with...has Alzheimer's. A part of me thinks he deserves it, for being such an asshole to me, and my father his entire life, and his family, and his wife, who...unfortunately has passed on. May she rest in peace. But...I realize, that, he had a very difficult childhood growing up. When I found out exactly how bad it really was, I understood exactly why he's such a hardass his entire life. And...also...

My Father has a mass in his stomach...that might be cancerous. And this hurts just as bad as my grandfather having Alzheimer's, and eventually dying. Because, my father is my hero, my idol. I try to model myself in his footsteps, to keep my friends like he did his. I emulate him. He's my hero. He saved my life from my mother. And, he might have a cancerous mass in his stomach. He's supposed to be this indestructible force, ya know? And...yeah. It just hurts...because he isn't. And it shows his mortality, and how fast I've grown up. It's hard enough when I do somehow manage to bring myself to think about the future to think of it without him. But...so early...I don't think I'd make it. I know that sounds like a cop out, and quite honestly, FUCK YOU who think so. He spent 100 grand to get custody of me away from my mother. He got sick over it! That's his devotion to his child. And honestly...if he died...I don't think I'd let myself live, and go into the unknown alone by himself. I think I would kill myself, and I don't care who thinks that selfish, because quite honestly, chances are, you matter less to me than most things in this world. I don't care who I'd hurt if I was to commit suicide to join my father, because he means more to me than ANYONE ON THIS PLANET EVER WILL. NOT HER, NOT MY GIRLFRIEND, NOT MY FRIENDS, NOT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND who I'm close friends with again, NOT ANYONE. YOU ALL MEAN NOTHING WHEN IT COMES TO MY FATHER. I love my father. Because he's the only whose ever truly been there for me when it mattered.

And with that said, I bid a fond farewell.

Unbalanced

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:00:41 GMT

I talked to her today...and I think we've become distant. I accidently insulted her, no need to go into specifics, and this happened while I was on Vicodin. I had two teeth ripped out, and words were misconstrued, or something, I don't know. I just feel...distant from her. I found a journal entry that I wrote a while ago, while I was coming to terms with how I felt, but not ready to express them, so I'll post it here, no that it matters, she probably won't check anyway. So here it is:

"I'm losing control, and my world is spiraling out of control. My body trembles like the last leaf on a dying tree. My heart races and I feel the deathly grip of anxiety around my heart. I feel the darkness wrapping itself around me, and taking away those moments of my happiness, and yet...I want to tell her, I want her help, but I can't let her in. I won't tell my girlfriend, because...as much as she knows about me, she doesn't know as much as HER. God, I just want to be able to tell her why I'm so miserable, and I want her to help...but she has her own problems, and I don't want to add to her. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to alienate her like that? Maybe...maybe one day I'll completely open up to her, and talk to her like we used too...instead of cowering infear like a child in the dark. Maybe I'll let her catch me...and maybe I'll be happy again..."

And that was what I wrote about That Girl, a while back. It's a good two to three months old in this notebook I have. But it's how I felt. In case it doesn't make sense, it's not admitting a love thing...per say. Ah fuck it, who am I trying to kid. In a way it is. But you get the bloody point, don't you?

So yes, I had two teeth ripped out, and I'm currently on Vicodin, and my self esteem has been completely destroyed once again because of the way I look. I was ugly before...never am going to get looking, but now I'm just hideous, and it kills me on the inside that I can't be...dear god save me for saying this, but, I want to be at least as good looking as some stero-typical prep or Jock or something. And that is where I will leave this off.

Comment if you care. No one most likely will.

Good Night.

Counsel

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 04:03:43 GMT

I am going to counseling soon. I have realized that...I cannot continue to work with this depression and anger. I used to use my rage in order to survive, but it has only hurt people these days, and I can't hurt the ones I care about. I've become...weak in a way, because I have let my depression and insecurities get the better of me, and it is time that I work them out. There are things that I need to come to terms with, and I'm going to list some of the things.

1. No one cares if I live or die.
2. I love a girl who might not feel the same.
3. I am scared of love.
4. I love my girlfriend, yet...feel estranged from her.
5. My rage is going to kill me.
6. I am constantly depressed, and I need to fix it, and get rid of it as much as I might enjoy it.
7. I cannot change the world.
8. I am doing the right thing.
9. I want to die.
10.I need to be strong.
11.I want to love, and be loved in return.
12.I need my friends to help me with my problems, despite how independent I am.
13.I need to be more dependent, and less of a loner.
14.I need to start trusting people.
15.I am afraid of love and must conquer that fear.
16.I am no one.
17.I will never be anyone important.
18.I matter to no one.
19.I look into the past and beg for forgiveness where it is not needed.
20.I have hurt people because I was only caring about protecting myself and thought differently.
21.My father is as human as I am, and will eventually die.
22.I cannot save anyone.
23.I am weak.
24.My morals might be wrong.
25.I have self-loathing that will force me to kill myself sooner than later.
26.I am alone.
27.My life should not be.
28.I want to be human.
29.I need to learn compassion.
30.I need to stop burying my problems inside of me.
31.I have to let people in.
32.I have to stop being afraid of the future.
33.I need to forgive my mother.
34.No matter how hard I try, I will always fail.
35.I am no hero.
36.I have made no difference in anyone's life.
37.People would be better off without knowing me.
38.I feel weak when I expose myself.
39.I fall in love easily.
40.I have tried to commit suicide within the last week.

Those are a major list of the main things that I find wrong with myself, and that I need to change. Not a self-discovery. But...I still need to change these things, in order to fully become who I always envisioned myself as. Farewell.

Taxing Situations

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 22:52:01 GMT

Last night, different than most really. I was confronted with a situation, that I honestly had no idea about. Nothing new, really. Let me explain it.

A while back, in June I talked to...a mistake in my life. No, that's unfair. It was a lesson learned actually. It was my Ex-Girlfriend I talked to. Her name is not important, nor are any of the names here important. And we talked, and then an argument arose, and it started some problems between my girlfriend and myself. So, my girlfriend posted it in her journal, and it was misconstrued(Spelling error?) as a problem with...Her. And by her, I'm not saying it's my girlfriend or Ex-Girlfriend. That Girl. She took it as her that my girlfriend was talking about. And, I was said to have known about this entry. Honestly enough, I barely check her journals at all. It's not top priority. But, anyway. I had NO prior knowledge of this entry, and I really wish I did, so I could have at least spared myself an argument with my girlfriend. And that's pretty much it. I sent an email, and I appologized, for what? I honestly don't know. But it seemed like the right thing to do, because I was a bit sorry that it happened, and no. I am sorry, because perhaps prior knowledge to this incident would have given me a bit more time to stop it from becoming ANYTHING. But, I won't live with regrets. However, I do have some.

But I guess the biggest one is finding out about love, really. I am afraid of love, as stated previously. I regret it, because, in a way, some people are always thought about in my mind. They know who they are. And she knows who she is, and probably doesn't feel the same, or if she does, is really good at concealing it. But the point is, finding out about love, falling in love, is my biggest regret. It is a cold way to put it, and I don't mean to make it cold. But I have. Now with that, I shall leave you.

Until I update again.

Epiphany

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 22:11:51 GMT

To reaffirm one’s power, that person needs to prove something, because he or she is afraid. In the case of a dictator, it is to squash rebellion. In the case of a leader of a guild or group, it is to make sure the others have someone they can count on. And in the case of wolves, the Alpha Male is he who hunts, and he who leads the pack to where they must go in order to survive.

In my case, to reaffirm my power is to make sure everyone knows where I stand regarding anything. I am will always look after myself, when I know that others no longer need help, like someone to defend them, or someone for them to talk to. That is my responsibility and justification for who I am. And how does this refer to today’s entry, when all of this has previously been stated before, over and over again?

Last night, I had an epiphany, and it happened in a dream. In that dream…I had power. I don’t know what kind of power, but it was really weird, because, for some part of the dream, I got to act on the show Scrubs with Dr. Cox(John C. McGinley) and his ex-wife Jordan. I forget her real name. And it was strange because for half the dream I was playing a role as a doctor under Cox’s tutelage, and the other half, I was in my own home, with power. By this power, I mean I could control fire. Strange? You’ve seen nothing yet.

Also…My boss’ daughter was living with us. Well, my former boss who I still keep in touch with anyway. And she was hot. Well, not hot. But pretty god damned good looking anyway. And, this entire time, she’s acting like a slut with her friends, and I had a limo driver. This is how you definitely know it was a dream. Anyway. As we were driving I’m in the backseat, scowling off into the darkness of the night, and, she’s trying to touch me, yet I won’t let her, and finally just push her away. Again, I had power. See? All of this is a dream! As I told you! Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet. Anyway.

So, she goes to this party with her friends, and I return home, and I stand in front of a stove, and I ignite it, and I concentrate, and...the flame ignites viciously surrounding my hands, and I see how much power I really have. And time speeds up, because there really isn't all that I did except, you know, playing with fire, like I sometimes do. And, the girl comes back, and puts her arms around me, and this irritates me. And I look at her, and growl deep in my throat and spoke lowly, saying. "I have power, my family has power. You're only willing to sleep with me, because I have power." And it came out in a vicious hiss, and most people I know have heard me hiss. And the girl returns this sentence.

"Not all of us are the same. Not all of us do things like this because we have too. Some of us do it because we want to." And so, the dream ended, with me sleeping with her.

And what did this tell me? What epiphany did I have?

I realized that everything I do is for the betterment of everyone else. It was a reassurment, and it made me feel good once again to realize that the reason I keep helping That Girl, or anyone else for that matter, is because, it's always been who I am, and always will be, no matter what anyone does to me. My name is the same as the God of Truth and Justice in the Egyptian Culture. And I will bear that honor with pride until the day I die. And who knows? It will be someday soon most likely. But again, no one will care, nor do they need too. My purpose will have been served.

Good Will

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 01:48:19 GMT

Well, I guess it's time for an update on my life, once more. I can't neccesarily complain, since my mood is relatively good. Aside from some things that happened yesterday, nothing much has changed, still writing and things like that.

However, there is something that was amazing today. Today, at Philosophy club, my teacher and one of my mentors, whose name shall remain out of this for it is not important. Anyway, we are going to have a coffeehouse in the spring time. And it's going to be to raise money for Alzheimer's patients. This was my idea, that I pitched to him. And he was completely for the idea, and as we speak, we're still brainstorming ideas. And, to draw in the type of crowd I surround myself with, and No, I'm not talking about preps or jocks. To draw in my crowd, I wrote a band that I happen to LOVE!!! And, of course, they replied, and it was amazing. They said, that, not only was it amazing that a seventeen year old could have the idea for it, not that it's uncommon or anything, but he was just shocked. He said that it gave him hope that there is a brighter future for our world, and it felt good to see him have put that. And he said that if during the spring time that they were not touring, not recording, and, the rest of the band, like him, were up to it, they would come to our school and perform for this benefit. He wasn't promising anything, and I respect that. And then he finished by telling me to be true to myself, and never let anyone compromise who I am. And I couldn't have felt better about myself.

So yes, that is the update on that. And that's a look at what everyone is dealing with. Someone who thinks more about others than he will himself, despite a few entries ago. Yes, I do have to look after myself because this world is full of people who don't care, but I don't mind. If it means that they find a drug that will help Alzheimer patients live longer, and more memorable lives, or help some Autistic Patient become a functioning one. It's strange. I've never cared much for my life, and I've never cared much for my own safety. It's the safety of others that matters to me, except those assholes, those fools, and those pathetic lowlives that deserve death at my hands for destroying honor and justice, that I matter most to me. It's how I've always been. No surprise huh? If anyone could name a time I wasn't out there for anything other than myself, I'd appluade them for proving me wrong. And, if anyone could actually do that, hell, I'd think of something spectacular to do something for them. I have no damn clue what, but it'd come to me. Anyway.

I leave this entry at that. Farewell.

Inspiration

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 03:44:19 GMT

Ewan McGregor / Nicole Kidman - Come What May Lyrics

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Come back to me, and forgive everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

[Chorus:]
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

[Chorus]

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

[Chorus]

That is the song of the movie Moulin Rouge. I admit that I watched it. It's a love movie, and I won't go into the plot line, because a majority of America has seen it, or knows about it. But the fact is, it is indeed an amazing song for such a non-rock song. You see, this song, proved to me love is actually out there. Why? Why should some stupid song from a stupid movie give me proof that love exists?

Because we live in a world of light and darkness, evil and good. But we also live in a world of neutrality as well. There is so much grey in this world. And I stopped writing my stories for a while, because I lost the inspiration, because I let some things take control of me. But this song, it changed some things. It changed my perspective.

I am afraid of love. Why? Why should I be afraid of an ideal, of an intangible concept? That's why. Because it cannot be controlled, it cannot be shut off. Love is just...love. You know what it feels like. Love is...a dangerous feeling. I am afraid of it, because of the way love has struck me. Strange huh?

Its amazing the way a movie can impact you, and make you see how so much of it can relate. Interesting, huh? Here's the thing. The movie is a love story, perhaps, as the movie itself entitles, one of the greatest love stories to ever be made. And honestly, it broke my writer's block. The character that Ewan McGregor, I can relate too, in his undying love for the girl of his dreams. And I don't know how, but the writer's block's been destroyed, and obliterated, and I am beginning a new project, one that will most likely be finished before my major book. And there's nothing wrong with that. There are going to major likenesses in this story that relate some of the characters in my life at the moment actually, such as That Girl, or my girlfriend, or my friends. You'll know, perhaps if the book is finished, and published. But either way.

My head is calm. And I am ready to embrace what is ahead of me.

I am ready to embrace my destiny.

Change

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 20:38:03 GMT

I did not sleep last night, because I chose not too. I am extremely tired, and this entry might be different because of really horrible sentence structure, but bear with me.

My thoughts were on revenge, and my dishonor. And then...I had a realization. What the fuck is revenge going to do but start more problems that I'll have to deal with until June? Sure, it will prove and point, and yes, that is what I'm going to do, and most likely, if I do nothing, it'll make me look weak. However, I honestly don't care. This CHILD, and that is really all he is, will get what he deserves when the time is absolutely perfect.

I have come to the realization, that it is time to move on once more. I am done trying to play war because it will happen when the time is right. But there has been something I've been giving thought to. And that one thought is this.

I have been thinking that I should join the military. For those that know me, this is...a different thought than most. And it has nothing to do with my friend who wants to join the Marines. Here's why I would consider it, and actually change my path. I see day in and day out, people who hurt one another, for absolutely no reason. Or, for its love. It could also be because its love? No. They do it because they can. There is no guided reason. And then we have these peice of shit Muslim fucks who do not deserve life. (My other racist views). These people, I will not give Democracy because they do no deserve it. Those who would willingly guide two planes into the most important symbol of American's Economy, have no right to live. The sins of those will justify the deaths OF ALL. I do not believe in murders, rapists, killers, tormentors, or terrorists of any kind, nor do I condone what they do, which should go without saying.

I am willing to give my life for a country that has...yes fucked me over before, but also...this is the only country I can be myself in, and retain my individualism. There is censorship, however, it isn't exactly as bad as one would see it, except in my eyes. But the point is, I believe in this country, despite what most would think. I would give my life for this country, if it suited my needs, and I guess the fact is, perhaps this is my need. My justification for sucide, some would say. Smoking a cigarette, getting addicted, is not a justification for suicide, because suicide unto itself through smoking, takes too fucking long.

But if I die for my country, and that bullet enters my body and cripples me, I retain my honor and die standing for my morals. I would be justifying my own death, and suicide. I do wish to die at times, and again its part of that me that cannot be controlled. Perhaps eventually, after High School, I even will join the military. I think I would so. I must give thought to it before I bother to do so. Maybe the viewers of this community would give me some help deciding what path I should take. The path of the teacher, who helps the children of our time, or...The Path of the Disciplined Warrior, who despite taking orders, still fights for his honor and moral coding.

But then again, no one cares enough to help, so I will think this through myself. Have a good day everyone.

Degradation

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 02:02:49 GMT

Yesterday, in Sociology, the same peice of shit Jock that said I smelt like an Ashtray, surprisingly made good on his threat to spray me with lysol, and humiliated me in front of everyone in our class. And my book shook with adrenaline, yet I could not strike him back. My body shook violently, and the adrenaline rush brought back such strong, dark memories from my past, and I just grinned, and embraced them. And yet, where was that one person who said they'd be there for me when needed? No where to be fucking found. But as my earlier entry said, I would not count on anyone, because NO ONE IS RELIABLE. However, my friends were quick to my defense, getting my back, and ready to start a war, that I will lead them in. And if anyone bothers to stop me, so be it, for they will come to fall before me, and I will watch as I tear every peice of flesh from their bones.

Nori Shibane. That's most likely not how to spell his name. However, this peice of shit has only begun to see what I can do. Because I am going to make him suffer. I will not be dishonored, and I will not be reminded of the suffering that I once went through because of people like him. He did what he did, to prove a point. His point, is not proved, for I will have his blood, and I will have his EYES. I WILL HAVE HIS ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY SPILLED IN FRONT OF ME, AND MAKE HIM FUCKING WATCH AS I SLAUGHTER THEM, AND HE WILL CRY FOR MERCY, AND THERE WILL BE NONE TO HAVE. I WILL SPILL EVERY LAST DROP OF HIS BLOOD TO GET A POINT ACROSS TO THE REST. THIS IS ABOUT MY HONOR, AND MY FUCKING DIGNITY! AND I WILL RETAIN MY HONOR, AT WHATEVER MOTHERFUCKING COST!

LET IT BE KNOWN. Whoever gets in my way, whether it be That Girl, my girlfriend, my friends, my father, I'll tear you all apart. I will slaughter every last one of you to have vengence.

Let the games begin.

Time

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 06:03:02 GMT

I stayed home from school today, as I should have done Monday. And By Today, I mean Tuesday, November 28th, 2006. Let me explain why I should have stayed home first.

Monday morning, 3:30 AM, and 7:00 AM, I woke up, and puked my brains out. Gross? Fuckin' right it's gross. However, its true. And that entire day, the clocks ticked away at the slowest pace, and my attention span was as low as an ADD-ridden child. Even after school, when I hung out with Alex and went to Hooters, which is the only place I actually feel free. Now, keep in mind, it isn't because of all the...well, let's be honest here. It isn't because of the gorgeous fucking women. However, let's get back to the picture here. That day, I felt like shit, and I couldn't explain why. My father explained why, and I knew deep down, which is contradictory to what I have stated already, that was why. And then, this morning, I woke up, and puked again at 3:30 AM. And then, again, at 8:30 AM. So.

I went to my doctor, and after giving me the full physical exam, he looked at me, sighed, closed the door of the exam room, and just looked at me. I am going to quote what my doctor said, because, he's never been as frank with me today, since I've been going to him for the last six years.

Doctor: "Matt, look. Physically, without the symptoms of actually being SICK, I can't find anything wrong. You haven't had a fever. And, you're not able to KEEP ANYTHING DOWN. So, I'm going out on a limb here. Been a rough couple of days in the land of...how should I put this? Ah, here we go. Has it been a rough couple of days in the land of Bitch?"

(Keep in mind, this is all true what he just said.)

Me: "Yeah, you could say that..."

Doctor: "Alright, I understand that. It's stress related. You've pretty much let all the stress get ahold of you, which you haven't done in a long time. So, here's what I'll do. I'm not going to write a script for medication. I am going to write a script for some nice relaxation, away from whatever has been causing you to get sick over. Go back to school Thursday, and then call me after school, and let me know how everything is working out. Alright?"

Me: "Doc, whatever you say. And thanks."

Doctor: "Matt, I've known you for a while now. I think I'd know one of my less frequently sick patients a little bit better than the more frequently sick ones."

And that was the conversation. He signed a note for the school, and I'm out until Thursday, which I am completely fine with. The reason is this. Normally, the Jocks do not get under my skin, because honestly, they are going NO WHERE. They were born alone, and so it will be when they die. And there won't be anyone waiting for them on the other side, because of the lives they've led. But, one of them...somehow got to me. I don't understand why he did, but he did get to me. He said that I smelled like an ashtray. Now, bear in mind, I stopped smoking for a while, started up again, quit for a while, and smoked again. I smoke every once in a while now. When I need to relax without help. Anyway. I had smoked a cigarette that morning. And my clothes wreaked. So, he said, "Look, for my sanity, can you wear cologne. You smell like an ashtray." So, I replied simply. "Oh my god, I just care so little about your sanity, that I swear to god, I could almost kill myself from caring so little." And he replied, "Look, you smoke, that's your problem. But I know a lot of people who smoke, and they don't wreak half as bad as you do." So, I just looked at him, shook my head, and flipped him off, then continued doing my work. And he finally said, "Fine. I'll bring lysol to school and spray you with it." To which, again, I replied. "Now, you can do that. But if I have my lighter out, and its lit, and you spray it, you will be commiting a serious crime. That's an attempt at murder, despite ANYTHING the law actually says. Pretty much, I've got enough people to say that you did it with malicious intent. You might as well bring cabfair to the courthouse, because me, and my friends will be driving home in each of your cars that your family owns. And me driving home your mommy's beamer pal. Don't cross me. Its one person who makes good on his promises."

And that was the end of it, and of course, being a jock, he called me a chickenshit, just after I warned him, and of course, I let it slide. I wasn't going to lower myself to his level. But...I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And it hurts. I don't know why. I thought I had gone beyond this bullshit. I'm seventeen years old. I graduate this year. I should be more mature. And I guess, I don't really know. It struck a nerve, and I felt...really, really vulnerable. And I felt my world crack, as if some kind of mental barrier just exploded within my mind. And I realized.

People used to make fun of me, because of my teeth. My entire family has a history of bad teeth. And the fact is this. I have teeth, two to be exact, that are quite obvious, being in the front of my mouth, that people made fun of, referring to me as, "Beaver" or some kind of "Rat-Boy, Rat-Face." And quite honestly, it bothered me a lot as a kid, as most things do when you're a little kid. And I finally thought I got over it. I thought I got over being picked on at least for that bullshit. But I guess that comment...just unraveled those repressed memories. I guess it just ripped away whatever support there was to that mental shield that I had built around it. And....

It made me feel vulnerable. I do not like that feeling. I do not like feeling exposed. I've beared my soul to...someone, and it made me feel weak, exposed. My friend, a very good friend actually said that I shouldn't feel weak about it. He said what I did took a lot of balls, a lot of courage, if you want me to be correct. He said that most people, when faced with the situation I was faced with, would have turned down, because they didn't have the spine, nor...the love to do what I did. And quite honestly, I believe what he said, but. There will always be a part of me that will feel weak for exposing myself. No one truly knows me. No one will ever know me. Here, even in this journal, my thoughts, my words, these words that is to say, will never have meaning until you meet me. Even those most close to me, will never know me, because I will not show my true self. I will not show the person who cares about those he loves, the person who is emotionally crippled when someone he knew and loved closely died.

For me, exposing how I truly feel, how I truly want people to see, to do the things that would expose, and share what I've thought, what I do think, how I feel. Things of that nature. To expose those things is like ripping away a part of myself that has not died, and most likely never will. I have trust issues, as I'm sure I've stated that in the past. I have to be the strong one. I have to be the fighter, the leader. I have to be the one to take charge. Why?

Because no one else EVER WILL FOR ME. No one will fight on my behalf in the way that counts the most. My friends say they will, and by honor they must. And I respect that. But at the end of the day, I am the only one I can count on, and its been proven. My girlfriend has proven it, and I love her to death, but she's proven it. That girl has proven it before, and yet I still love her. Even my friends have proven it, and they're my family. Even my father. The one I am truly closest with. The only one who will ever know me, in and out, even with the things I've hidden from him. But the fact is, I must be the one who will deny his emotions, reject everyone who tries to help. Because deep down, I know this for a fact.

If I was dying on the street, and there was something someone could do to save me, they wouldn't. They wouldn't because I don't matter. And for those that know that this journal exists, quite honestly, you shouldn't take offense. Its just how we human beings are. I accept that. And by the way, for those that do know this journal exists, and that it is me, who is writing in this, that includes ONLY my friends and family that I've given the username of this journal too. But back on topic here.

I must be the one to stand strong, to be there for myself, and to be there for everyone else. I am a leader. I chose this path, because of the wrongs I've commited to others in the past, as well as myself. I will always be there for others, even if they aren't for me, because deep down. Here's what I want to do with my life.

I want to change the world. I want to be a teacher, an English Teacher, but still a teacher. Why? Why would I take such a low paying job? Because. I believe I can help people, as I've always been able to do. And that is what I want to do. I want to help the world. Growing up, I decided I wanted to be a hero, to be a leader. I decided it because, even when I hurt those around me, those who cared about me, I was still sticking to my morals of right and wrong. The only difference is this. I am the hero that embraces the darkness within. But the fact is, I want to change the world, and help it. And I'm going to say this once. Because this is the most important quote I've ever heard in my life. Well, one of the most importants, ranking very high in my top ten list. "The Smallest voice, can start the Biggest Revolution." And I believe firmly in that, and staying true to myself. That is why I've decided on one thing. Since I do not have the time tonight to say it. I give everyone an idea of tomorrow night's update. I am going to tell everyone of the changes that are going to be made. And no one likes it, then do what you people have done to me for my entire lifetime. Walk all over me. As a Disturbed© song once said, "All my emotion and all my integrity, and all that you've taken from me." as one of the lyrics, that's what you'll do. You'll all bitch and moan, and complain, but quite honestly...as clear as my mind is becomming as I write this. The fact is this. I need to get these thoughts out, regardless of who I hurt. Because again.

I must be there for me.

Who I am

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 01:48:25 GMT

I have gone through self-discovery. It is a hard road, tearing yourself apart, discovering yourself to who you are comfortable with.

I destroyed many of the components that contributed to what I used to be. There were many people that were only hurting the cause, instead of actually helping. So, I did what I had too. I cut them out of my life. I shut them out. For some, it wasn't because I was pissed off at them, but because I was a danger to them.

Before I changed myself, I was dangerous. My anger was uncontrolled. My moods were always focused on my ranger or my rage. Or they were always focused on my constant depression and suicidal tendencies. I was always suicidal because I found out that my mother was a drug addict, and I was only a meal ticket for her. I was her excuse to get free money from the state, and rip the state on, so she could keep her welfare and food stamps. So obviously, it was having a negative impact on me. And instead of immediately rising above it, like some people are capable of doing, I just didn't. So, I became suicide, I smoked cigarettes because my friends did. I drank alcohol because my friends did. I smoked pot because my friends did. But I mostly drank alcohol because I found release through stupid antics, through the fights that I'd start, or that my friends started, and I helped finish by beating my subjects to the ground, with vicious desire. I smoked pot, because it was an escape. I even had sex with enough girls to give me ten forms of STD's. But yet, I walked away. I was untouchable by the cops, because, despite what I was, what I was capable of when I was uncontrolled, my reasons were justified, and I realized, that by the end of Freshman year, I needed to change. Either I changed, or I was going to die. And I needed to save everyone from me dying, because I planned on taking people with me in a big way.

So, I did. I first called DYFS, the beginning of Sophmore Year. And I told them everything. That was the first step. And...I let them know everything. I was fifteen. I cried, and I admit, and embrace that, because it let me know I was still human. And, DYFS took me from my mother, and gave me to my grandfather, until all the court dates were finally over, which was over a year, but the fact was, I walked away, and my mom got nothing. And this helped. Now, I still despise my mother for what she did to me. She robbed fifteen years of my life away. And no one could give that back to me. No one could help me through that realization. Here I am now, seventeen years old, still thinking back on a life I despised. But.

The Point is this: I have changed, because, now, at least when I feel that old darkness, that old rage and hatred rise up in my body, and my adrenaline kick in, I can control it, and channel it into other things, because that's what I have become. My morals, have guided me a long way, even when I wasn't healthy, mentally that is. But...there are still parts of me that no one can figure out, and no one can understand, so let me give everyone an inside look into somethings, as I reflect.

I am a racist. Not in the way that these Neo-Nazi fuckheads are. I'm not that horrible, because I am indeed, half a jew. I am Half Catholic, and I am half Jewish, and I embrace both heritages, despite the hypocracy behind both. But here's the facts. When it comes to blacks, I am racist. Now, by definition, a nigger is a dumb, stupid black person, who cannot accomplish anything, and is a drain on the economy because he/she drains it, by gaining welfare and cheating the state. These niggers, I despise. I do not hate the ones that work hard, that stay in school, that don't rape, that don't steal, that don't deal drugs, or even use crack or cocaine. Marijuana is fine with me. I still smoke marijuana occasionally to help me meditate. But here's the reason I am racist. The real reason I despise these gangbanging, motherless low life peice of shit niggers(Again, not the ones who work hard, etc.)

When I was a freshman, I had a friend who I met online, and talked too on the phone. Her name is not important, because, it doesn't matter anymore. You see, she was a gothic girl. THE PERFECT GOTHIC GIRL. And by perfect, I mean, she was as gothic as they came, but she was still a virgin. And here's the thing about that. By some...strange, unbelievable twist of fate, some black guy showed 'interest' in her. And I use that fucking term loosely. And she was telling me how much she liked him. And here's what happened. He asked her out one night, and they went out, and I knew they were going out to a movie, which was what happened. But turns out, after the movie, they went back to her house, and...after a while, they had sex. He swore that he wasn't doing it to add a 'notch' in his belt. Now, keep in mind, this black guy, was still in school because no place else would have him. She told me about him, about how lazy he was, about how much of an asshole he was to other people that weren't in his 'social grouping'. And quite honestly, she never lied to me. So, the next day in school, turns out, he opened her mouth, and she...just...ran home and cried. I stayed home from school that day because I was still....messed up. I didn't like going to school, so I just played hookie. And she called my house and told me exactly what happened, as she was crying on the phone, describing everything to me. Everything that happened at school. And...what happened to her? A week later, she killed herself. Because of some fucking lazy, baboon mouthed fuck. And I will never forgive them. The sins of one, damn the race. That's my opinion. It'll eventually die out, and I know that. But for now, those lazy fucking niggers are nothing, and they will never be forgiven, until that one peice of shit is dead, and off of this world, and I know for a fact that he isn't. But here's the difference. I will not kill him, and I will not wish bad things upon him. Quite the opposite. So, in closing. Here is why I hate certain black people. This is something I never told anyone. Not even the one closest one to me. And sometimes, secrets need to be kept.

Farewell for now.

Happy Thanksgiving

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 01:09:59 GMT

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope your day was good, and I hope your night goes the way you desire it to.

My day today, involved eating turkey, some bread and butter, some stuffing, some cranberry sauce and some bourbon. Actually, I drank a lot of Bourbon. And right now, I admit, that I am a little drunk. Actually, I'm pretty fucking tanked out of my mind. And I really don't care who knows it. The only reason I'm able to keep my grammer so well is because I know my way around a keyboard like a butcher knows how to slice a cow open perfectly.

So, let's see. Today, I wish to die...and I almost tried to kill myself. I stopped myself, because there is no honor in killing yourself. It means that you are a coward, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to die. I do not want to be a part of this world anymore. I'm tired of being a part of it. There isn't anything here for me anymore. I'm tired of false love, of false hope, and false dreams. I'm tired of being there for everyone, and having no one there for me. Sure, my girlfriend says she's there for me, but at the end of the day, I feel empty anyway. Heh. I don't know why I feel this way, but I can't help it. I am tired of having to be strong. I just want to get into a corner, and let death's cold grip take my heart and finally crush it. Is that so wrong?

I want to die...someone. Please, just end this.

Things I've noticed...

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 20:21:30 GMT

There are things that I've noticed in my life and the world around around me:

My life:

I find myself at times feeling absolutely empty. I feel nothing, devoid of all things such as love, compassion, creativity, kindness, respect. However, there is a feeling that I do feel. And that is hatred. I feel a hatred that just sparks my rage, and makes my blood boil, to the point where I can hear the blood pumping in my ears, and my body shakes violently with uncontrolled adrenaline. I do not know why this happens, but I do know that I enjoy the feeling of this hatred, of this dark sensation. The world around me is nothing, and there are things that I want to do to people in which there are no names for, but would land me in some kind of state penetentiary. [Is that word spelt correctly? I highly doubt it.]

At other times I find myself in a state of depression that doesn't end for months at a time. I pretend to be the strong leader, the fighter, for the benefit of those that need me to be there for them. This only adds to my depression, but I am always there for those that need me because it is who I am, and who I have become. I don't know what brings this depression on, but it makes me empty. It makes me feel...alone.

Then there are the times when I am simply agitated by the smallest of things. I guess one could say that those are the times when I am having a 'bad day'. I despise that term, because the day cannot be bad. The day is just another day, however, it is karma that is causing you the misery. And on those days that everything just agitates me, it could be the smallest of things, such as the way someone puts salt on their food, or the way that someone wears their hair in a specific style. I don't know what causes these things, and these times are those that I do not enjoy.

There are also times when I feel lathargic. Nothing matters, and I'm just very...well, for a lack of a better term, "blah." I don't care what is going on around me, and I don't care what happens to those I care for. For some reason...I just feel that the world revolves entirely about me. Again, I do not enjoy these times, because it is not who I am, and there is no honor in what I feel, and I am again, all about honor.

The world around me:

I have noticed that there are people who will pick on people like me. People from the 'outcast' group. These people are usually those who are more socially accepted, and have some form of power over others. I find it interesting because it makes you wonder. Does a person need to harrass another simply because they have their own insecurities? Is there something wrong at home that causes them to do this? Perhaps their parents are pressuring them. I am not sure. But it leaves me to wonder.

My group, my friends who are my family, we are the goth kids. We may not dress it, but we have the attitude. I do dress goth a majority of the time, in one shape or another. So do my friends. And I have noticed that we have no one that starts any problems with...me and a few closer friends of mine. Why? I don't know, but it might partly be because we are indeed, a family, and if you fuck with one us, you're fucking with the entire group. The preps, the goths, the ghetto kids, the jocks, and the other socially accepted do not want a war with my kind. When it comes to defending ourselves, we will do so. Not because we feel we have too. But because we are bound by a code of honor. And that honor is what groups us together.

I have noticed that the outcasts have an unofficial truce with some of the mroe popular jocks, more popular kids. This is because they do not care to waste their time making fun of us. We are just other people, with a different view and frame of mind.

I have also noticed, that while everyone worries, I do not. I don't care what happens in politics, because the world is in fact bullshit. the world is nothing, and is as hypocritical as much as everything else. That is my view, and that is the veiw of the goth kids.

These are the things that I have noticed. And I realize one thing.

At the end of the day, I am alone. When I come home from school, and I close the door of my room, I am alone, no matter what anyone says. I will always be alone, because that is the path that I choose. I choose to not let anyone in, because I will not burden anyone with my problems. I will not add to the problems of their life, or, in some cases, let them destroy their lives on my behalf. It is who I am. And one day, the things I have bottled up will come out, and it will kill me Because there is something else I have noticed about myself.

Somtimes, at the end of the day.....

I want to die.

Most of the time.

The First Entry

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 04:16:45 GMT

It's Interesting...

When you think about your life, there was always that one person that made an impact on your life. I find it odd that I had just one person that wasn't a family member. It was a girl. Just an ordinary girl. Well, perhaps "ordinary" wouldn't be the correct word to use. Never the less, it was a girl. A girl that I developed a friendship with. A girl that developed a relationship that unto itself can be interpreted as a relationship. Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? No. Let me make that very clear right now. No, WE ARE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND.

But, how was this friendship developed? Blood. Sweat. Tears. A lot of blood. And a majority of it wasn't my own, despite the amount of times I'd slashed my arms, my wrists, and other areas to let the blood flow, and ease my pain. The blood of the people I tested my own morals on when those subjects hurt the girl both emotionally, and physically. The majority, was their blood. There were more than one occasions, when I tried to kill myself, and some of them, yes, because of...this relationship, but most of the time, it was because I couldn't deal with some things. But that isn't the point. Because I inflicted upon her myself, I felt that I needed to die. I did not deserve to be in her life. And I still believe that because of the hurt I inflicted upon her, and keep in mind, it was never physical. At least, MOST of it wasn't physical. There were times when we...to put it bluntly, kicked the ever living shit out of each other. But no, the pain I inflicted was much worse. It was emotional pain...and to this day, I regret it, because...it was wrong. I guess I didn't understand...what I felt, or why. I'm not saying its an excuse, and it isn't a justification for any reasons to hurt someone. It was me denying some things to myself...and not letting my inner thoughts free.

Sweat. The sweat over the situations we both were in. Her, when she was always out partying, and me worrying I was going to get a call from her, telling me she got raped. I think I was most afraid of that. Because...something...close to that had happened....once. And that time, I threw the guy out of a two story window, and then went outside, and proceeded to beat him until my entire body ached from moving. I lost control...and I fed into my darkness. A darkness that was so deep, and so profound...there are no words to describe it. But you get the point. And it was her sweat, when I was always out getting into fights because my 'friends' started fights that they couldn't handle, and it was pathetic, and she found it wrong that I was risking my neck, my life, for those fights.

Tears. Tears spilt in pain, in anger, in love. Her tears because I couldn't accept what I felt, and what I knew deep down as true. And because of the hurt that I caused her. My tears because of what I locked away within myself, and because of the hurt that I caused her. I couldn't believe what I had done to her. Looking back now, I still can't believe that I let that darkness...that utter evil inside of me, go out and have a party. I don't forgive myself for it, because...I walk my own road of redemption, and there are many things that I still need to be forgiven for. But...again, back on topic, and sorry for the rambling. The world I shut out, the girl that I wouldn't let in. The girl that hurt because I hurt her. Puddles and puddles of tears. Tears that still come but neither of us will show them to each other because we believe that it's just easier if we both be strong and wait.

Looking back, through the six years, it was a mutal friendship, where we both did our best to fuck each other over, but in the end, did our best to help each other out. And I guess that's why I chose to reflect on this as my first entry. That's what a journal's for right? One of the many purposes? Despite the fact that I was always there for this girl, I still...realize what I did was wrong. I looked back, and today, we're still friends. Most likely closer than ever, because of how far we've come. But, she's going through some things, and I wondered to myself, perhaps, if I came to terms with how I felt about her then, instead of...so recently in my life, would it have made a difference? I can't say. I talked to my friend about it, and he said, "You can't think in those terms, because, even if that were the case, how much could you have really done? Would she have honestly let you in then, too?" And...I guess he was right. I've been pretty happy lately. Because...I've come to terms with a great deal of things.

But...I also have sat back, and watched this girl with guys, and she with my current girlfriend. I watched her with one guy she was particularly happy with, and they were supposed to get engaged. Yet...towards the end, she got her heart broken. And...I had already hated this kid, because I knew what he was about, but...since she found him again...or he found her, or perhaps they found each other, whatever the case may be. She told me he changed, and I didn't want to believe it, because...I have trust issues. I always will. As a guy, I'm not afraid to admit that. But, what hurts me the most, is that...she got hurt again by this guy, and he doesn't even have the decency to give her an answer as to why he broke her heart like that. It takes balls to say what I'm going too. I was jealous of the two of them. But...he made her happy. And I couldn't ask for anything more. When we hung out, she'd sing his freaking praises. And...granted, every time she did, I felt that familiar darkness rise up in me, and I felt that boiling of my blood. I sat on the sidelines, and...just watched. I admit something. I love her, and I want her to be my girlfriend, and I honestly...don't care if she has a cheating problem. We've both talked...and it came to an agreement, that maybe in the future. And she told me flat out, she wouldn't want to hurt me, and that if we did go out, she'd cheat on me. So, she's on her own internal road to self-discovery. Sometimes, I think about what she said, and wonder, perhaps if it was a nice way to reject me, and a part of me thinks that, and its probably stupid to even think like that. But it's always a possibility. But the fact is this. I decided that I'd open up with this entry, because this girl means a lot to me. She means as much to me as my girlfriend does, but this entry is about her, because I have a different journal devoted to how I feel about my girlfriend, and everyone knows that I love my girlfriend anyway. It doesn't need to be overstated a thousand times. I just decided that I'd start this entry, and give the reader, (I.E. Those out there who are going to bother reading this journal) who I am, and what I really am about. And this entry, exposes the majority of who I am. My weakness, my strength, my faults.

In the short sum-up. I love this girl, and I am going to keep her anonymous, because she knows who she is, and she probably won't even check this, which would be probably a good thing. I haven't decided which one it would be. And pretty much, I'm always going to be there for her, no matter what, because, its just who I am. And I'm always going to be jealous of the fact that its not me with her. But I'm always going to support what she does. Again, just who I am. So, with that said, I shall say, goodnight.

Later.